Late Night Laughs, July 30th
Posted by BackNine59, Jul 31 2008, 06:10 AM
So I was tired of watching the soap opera we call sports this week with the entire Favre debacle and the baseball trade deadline dominating the headlines on my favorite show, SportsCenter. So I turned the channel to catch up with the world of Letterman and Leno and I thought I'd share what they had to say from last night:
THE MONOLOGUES:
CBS’ David Letterman: “Here's a great story: over in New Jersey, they spotted a 44- pound cat. Did you hear about this? Honest to God, a 44-pound cat. And it had a ball of tin foil (that) weighed 15 pounds. The cat is so big, he puts you out at night. Ladies and gentlemen, if it seems as though I'm walking on a cloud, something very special happened a minute ago – I'm going to be Pamela Anderson husband number four. Pamela Anderson is on the program tonight, ladies and gentlemen, and she, of course, is the reason they invented high def. How about this: maybe some folks (here) from California; they had an earthquake out there in southern California yesterday. A big one, 5.4 on the Richter scale, and Pam Anderson, coincidentally, was in California during the earthquake, and today she had to go in for a seismic retrofitting. But the earthquake was so violent, they found Hugh Hefner under a pile of hookers. The earthquake was so violent, my mom called the ‘Tonight Show’ to see if I was okay. The earthquake in California was so violent, listen to this, Andy Dick was thrown to his feet” (“Late Show,” CBS, 7/30).
NBC’s Jay Leno: “How many still recovering from the earthquake yesterday? Just when you thought banks in California couldn't get any shakier. That's what I love about Los Angeles. Countrywide Mortgage doesn't get your house, boom, the earthquake will level it. Well, did you hear about this? This is one of these stories. Over at Universal Studios, the receptionist dove under her boss's desk for shelter, and by the time the earthquake was over, she had a starring part in his next movie. … If I could get serious for just a minute. When an earthquake like this hits, it really gets your sense of priorities in life. You know, you get them all straight. Like, as soon as the earthquake hit, I immediately called up my wife and said, ‘Honey, would you check on the cars and motorcycles?’ … Yesterday Congress officially apologized for slavery. Not a moment too soon, huh? You hate to see these things fester until there's a lot of animosity. Thank God they nipped it in the bud like that. … Beijing has set up a sex determination lab to test female Olympic athletes suspected of being males. They're testing to make sure the women aren't actually men. And if it works there, they're going to try it on hookers on Hollywood Boulevard. … Disgraced NBA ref Tim Donaghy (was) sentenced to 15 months in jail for giving gamblers inside tips. That was only half the 33 months demanded by prosecutors. You know what that means? Beat the spread. He's still in the game! Actually, the good news for Donaghy, he's so corrupt, today he was offered a job as an Olympic ice skating judge. … There's a restaurant in New York City called ‘The Optional Clothing Diner's Club,’ where the patrons eat naked. I mean, that's a little embarrassing to some guys, don't you think? They go in, sit down, waitress takes one look at you, gives you the children's menu. … California has passed a ban on trans fats from all restaurants by the year 2010. And San Francisco is taking it one step further, they plan to ban all fat trannies” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 7/30).
LATE NIGHT LAUGHS:
Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Jerry Lewis Excuses.” CBS’ David Letterman: “Jerry was flying someplace out of Las Vegas Airport last week and they found a gun in his carry-on luggage” (“Late Show,” CBS, 7/31).
10) “Rehearsing for my new film ‘The Nutty Terrorist.’”
9) “I haven’t been myself since Lindsay Lohan went lesbian.”
8) “I’m Batman.”
7) “No shampoo on planes I understand, but guns? What is this, Damascus?”
6) “Was whacked out on some stuff I got from Amy Winehouse.”
5) “Confused myself with Jerry Lee Lewis.”
4) “How else do I open those airline peanuts?”
3) “I was told this was a roast!”
2) “Just found out I’d been seated next to Andy Dick.”
1) “Sorry, I thought I put the gun in my schlamaaaaaaven.”
Our attention turns back to golf today as the circus comes to town for the PGA Tour with Michelle Wie front and center again. Does she make the cut? Heck, does she break 80 and does she finish 36 holes?
A World Golf Championships event isn't the same without Tiger. I think he'll be missed more from this event than he was at the British Open. The dude flat out dominates WGC events. Phil.......hello Phil.........it's time to regain your magic at Firestone.
And don't forget about the U.S. Senior Open and local favorite Jim Holtgrieve who is competing at the Broadmoor in Colorado. This is back to back USGA Championships in Colorado.......the USAPL was contested in Aurora, CO and this week the old guys are at the Broadmoor. Guess the USGA like the idea of hanging out in the mountains for a few weeks. After this week its out to Eugene, Oregon for the U.S. Women's Amateur. As I understand it, Curt Rohe of the Metropolitan Amateur Golf Association is already enroute to Eugene Oregon to work the event for the USGA.
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